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WWYD? Caught my almost 8 yr. old DD lying and stealing my money!

Barb09 said:
I didn't say don't punish. I said she shoudn't throw herself off a roof with despair (as this is normal) or her child under the bus (with authorities)

this is a TEACHABLE moment...and an important lesson. "I will not lie and steal" 1000 times sounds right to me.

Letting her feel that her parents think she is beyond parenting and should be turned over to authorities is (IMO) too far...and can turn a teachable moment into one she never forgets because her parents were overreacting.

She isn't EVIL...she is 8.

All actions have consequences....and she should know that. But she should also know no matter how much she screws up she is still loved.
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:shesaid:

dragonfly said:
I think you should separate the two offenses. She lied to cover her ****, not to manipulate the situation. I would focus mainly on the stealing, but I'd also let her know that she is in MORE trouble for lying about it than she would have been if she'd have admitted it in the first place.

Also, I wouldn't let her get away with not telling you who the other child is. She's 8, she shouldn't get to run the show. If it were one of my DD's, they would be grounded until they produced a name. And then I would likely call the other parent- not to blame their kid, because your DD made her own decision to steal, but to give them a heads up of "fyi, my DD did this and told us the two of them had spoken about it, so you might want to talk to your DD...and hide your purse...lololol!" Kind of a "haha, kids!" heads up.

I understand kids lying to cover their butts. That to me is normal, age 5-8 behavior. Stealing from your parents should not be tolerated. I'd really be more pissed about the fact that she stole from ME, who provides her with everything her little heart desires, because it's such a slap in the face to you. It's different from swiping a friends lip gloss because she is impulsive & wanted a lip gloss. She's taken money from you before & gotten away with it, so she felt she could do it again. I'm with TON on this. We're trying so hard to nip certain behaviors NOW at age 6 & 7 so we're not dealing with nightmare children in 10 years. We've been doing a lot of writing lately. :lol:

Maybe your DD would benefit from seeing how little others have to appreciate how much she has.
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:shesaid:And said so very well
 
Barb09 said:
So, is stealing the only time you needed to spank them. Or are you saying that they only needed to be spanked once ....for stealng?

Do you really believe that was the only punishment that would have resulted in there being no more stealing in the future. Or can we agree that (while effective) other punishments can be as well?

The majority of my point (in the beginning of this thread) is that Kewpon addict's daughter isn't "evil" and that Kewpon addict may have needed a moment to gain perspective as punishing in anger or shock isn't always the best most effective way.
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At the time, I firmly believed it was the most appropriate and effective punishment for their actions - and I explained to them that it was not simply because of the theft, but it was their deceipt in trying to cover it up that made me take serious action, I was doing this to get their attention and to make sure they never ever did so again.

Was it the last time they stole? As far as I know. Was it the last time they lied? Probably not.

This was a generation of "Wait til your father gets home", so I was fortunate to not be acting out of anger. DW had called me at work to let me know, and I had spent a long car ride home preparing myself for what to say to them before and after their punishment. It was a lot of me asking them "why" and a lot of them saying "I don't know".

My kids will be the first to admit I was not the perfect parent. DW will be the second, only because I wait for others to finish before I speak. Many times I would have to tell them it didn't seem like their actions were consistent with the love they told me about, and I wanted them to explain, in their own words, and often the punishments they would choose for themselves were worse than I would dole out. Like "No record playing for a week" - while I would have said for the weekend.



Your point is made well - there are of course other effective ways to punish such behavior. My youngest wrote lines plenty of times - "I will not talk back" - because DW and I hated the sassiness out of her, but also because she had a handwriting problem at the time.


OP's child probably is not completely evil - at least I hope not. Blaming the ghetto she lives in seems like a cop out to me, though. I wouldn't cancel a Birthday party, but I might change the theme of it to "instead of gifts, she will be collecting donations for the animal shelter" or some other charity. And of course, that would be only after she finshed her lines. By then, she should be able to write the invitations much more clearly.
 
I haven't read every word here, but I've skimmed. I believe in spanking. Of course it's not 100 percent effective. There is no guarantee on any of the ideas suggested. I keep a bag of coins for teaching and I know I have had some stolen. I think it was my ds8, maybe last year when he was 7. Pretty sure he got a spanking, obviously talked to, and he had to pay it back. I don't remember if he had to pay double or not, but it is within something we would do. I thinking making the child write a number of times is a valid option, but not the only one. When I discipline my children, I have to think about what is the best option for that particular child, and honestly - for me. If I don't believe in what I'm doing (discipline wise) then it's not a good choice for me to use.
 
TON I have to agree with what I have read of your posts here. For more serious matters, my kids still wait til dad gets home for the spanking. They prefer I do the spanking, but obviously from dad it is more effective.
 
Quite convinced after that last post that T-O-N and ASB are the same person now....

Cannot imagine thinking one of my kids was EVIL for anything short of torturing small animals...

Often there are threads where I find stuff out about peeps that I did NOT want to know...
 
I think that it is something that happens at this age. I would take this as a teachable moment. I also would consider giving DD an allowance/commission. Kids need to learn to save, spend, and give money at a young age.

DS (4) was in one of the car carts a few weeks ago at CVS which is low and right next to the candy. We got to the car and he showed me some candy that he took. He wasn't trying to be deceitful, but I had him take it back to the cashier. He gave it back and was embarrassed since he immediately grabbed onto me and hid behind me. We talked again about how you can't take things from stores and that you have to pay for them. I took him to CVS this past week and we were in line to check out and he said without any prompting or mention of the last incident that you have to pay for candy and other things in the store. It seems as though he really learned from the whole experience.
 
As we have all witnessed respect (and disrespect) are not the same in everyone's home. There are parenting styles that make me cringe and there are those I say "I have to try that" with. But based on the fact that there are many things that our kids do that others on here approve or disapprove of, obviously there would be no consistency on the side of discipline.

I do spank when necessary and I do all kinds of creative consequences in other ways. YOU do whatever you are comfortable with that is going to bring about the most productive citizen of your child.
 
All I know is when I was maybe 4-5 I stoled a pack of gum from the store, did not get caught at the store, went home asked my mom if she wanted apiece of gum.... she said "where did you get the gum" to which I had no fast answer being that the only place I could have gotten itwas the IGA store she marched my **** back to the store where I had to appoligize to EVERY person that was working at the store.
Yup cured me for life, I swear even when I was in my 30's and would go to that store I felt like a criminal and some of the people that worked there when I was a small child still worked there then. I know it was only in my head but thought for sure they watched every thing I did.

All of us kids at some point and time stoled from that store and everyone of us was caught but I was the only one that got caught at home.. My oldest sister took a grape mom caught her and my sister had to mop the enitire produce section for a week, (mom and Mr. Tornows punishment to her), everyone of us got punishment to fit the crime....things where different then but punishment should fit the crime.
Maybe take her with you shopping and purposely not have about the amount of change in your purse to cover the bill.including a special treat (candy bar whatever for her) having to leave her purchase behind because you did not have the extra money that you knew you had in your purse the other day , but now it is gone.
 
To be clear and only to be clear...if you read carefully what I said, I NEVER said MY DD was evil...I was referring to the act of stealing and lying as evil. I still think so. You all can think what you will it was the best word I had at the time. Thanks to those that gave constructive advice and/or support.
 
kewpon addict said:
To be clear and only to be clear...if you read carefully what I said, I NEVER said MY DD was evil...I was referring to the act of stealing and lying as evil. I still think so. You all can think what you will it was the best word I had at the time. Thanks to those that gave constructive advice and/or support.
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You do not have to explain to anyone what is going on in your home or feel bad for anything or justify it, and I hope this does not turn into you second guessing your parenting. If she is in jail in 10 years for armed robbery, everyone would point their fingers at this point in time and say you weren't strict enough. If she never steals again, they will say it was just a little incident and thank God she isn't harmed for life because you were too strict.

THIS IS YOUR CHILD! you asked for advice, and yes you will get it on every side. In your household stealing is very serious and you want to establish that and that is fine. In some households talking back would never be tolerated in others it is no big deal, in some houses not doing a chore correct is a big deal, in others it is just normal age appropriate behavior; in some houses kids have the right to complete privacy and in others that is not the case. You would not be asking this question, you would not be concerned if you didn't care for your child. You are the only one who spends every day with her and you know what is best for her.

The act of stealing from a mother is something that is hard to swallow and if you are putting levels on wrong, that would be pretty high up there so your dismay and hurt were completely understandable. You are her parent and you do what you feel is best for your child.
 
It seems to me that everyone in this tread tried to help you. Everyone tried to give you "constructive advice and support"
 
To be quite honest Barb, I feel that some posts by some people came across as rather judgmental and harsh. It is what it is. I am done with it. I think I will quit posting any issues that I have altoghether. I was merely asking people for how they would punish their child for stealing money from them. Instead, several people specifically said things that IMO came across as mean. That is the way it goes here and so be it, but, I have always tried to be supportive to others on this board and not mean. Again take my opinion for what it is...I am a human being with a heart and mind. Whether people intended to be mean or not, it read that way WITH SOME posts, not with all!
 
mrsmom said:
That's not nice.
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I don't get how someone can ask advice and then pout because you thought what people said was mean? What was mean in this thread? I re-read it and the only thing I thought could possibly be mean is that people thought it was stupid to involve the police. People gave their opinion that they would not involve the police--she asked WWYD...

So yes, there is asking of advice, ignoring it, and creating drama...

This isn't the only time. Kewpon, just because you don't agree with what someone says doesn't mean they are being mean...
 
kewpon addict said:
To be quite honest Barb, I feel that some posts by some people came across as rather judgmental and harsh. It is what it is. I am done with it. I think I will quit posting any issues that I have altoghether. I was merely asking people for how they would punish their child for stealing money from them. Instead, several people specifically said things that IMO came across as mean. That is the way it goes here and so be it, but, I have always tried to be supportive to others on this board and not mean. Again take my opinion for what it is...I am a human being with a heart and mind. Whether people intended to be mean or not, it read that way WITH SOME posts, not with all!
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Please don't quit posting!

I would turn this situation into a learning opportunity for DD. You, DH and DD need to sit down and have a calm discussion.
You and DH need to explain to DD that what she did is very serious. Number one, she stole and number two, she lied. Explain what is wrong with both and that both are very wrong. Also explain that since she lied this time, she is going to have to work very hard to be honest in the future so that you can TRUST her and believe her in the future.
There should be a meaningful consequence for both. For example, you might want to have her count the money in her bank and keep a written ledger of what she has at all times. She may have to take a certain portion of what she has and donate it to your church or to a charity of your choice. As for the lying, maybe have her write down for you why lying is wrong and why it may cause someone not to believe her in the future. Maybe have her also come up with ideas of how to get your trust back now that she has lied. The discussion about truth telling and honesty should be an ongoing discussion from this point on.

Children do make mistakes like this and how the mistakes are dealt with have a big impact on whether or not they learn their lesson.
 
skincarekathy said:
Cannot imagine thinking one of my kids was EVIL for anything short of torturing small animals...

Often there are threads where I find stuff out about peeps that I did NOT want to know...
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kewpon addict said:
To be clear and only to be clear...if you read carefully what I said, I NEVER said MY DD was evil...I was referring to the act of stealing and lying as evil. I still think so. You all can think what you will it was the best word I had at the time. Thanks to those that gave constructive advice and/or support.
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Methinks kewpon was referring to Kathy's post.
 
Evil is quite a strong word. One not that I would use loosely or consider that many acts or people to be.

I thought sck was referring to Ton's posts? :9:
 
I don't know :9: she could have been, it was hard to follow. Since she didn't quote anyone all I could do was string it together by the word evil. I could be wrong.
 
If it makes you feel any better, my stb8yo DD7 is currently writing "I will not touch the cats." It began at 1:30 and it will take her (no exaggeration) 4-5 hours to write it 100 times because she will get wrapped up in a three way conversation with her other personalities. :gah: It took her 3 hours to do four simple worksheets, read 15 pages of her book & fold/put away 3 days worth of laundry this morning. You'd think for someone who ****ed around the entire first half of her day, she wouldn't do something to completely ruin the rest of her day, but that is not the case with this one. :dunce:

All I know is that in 5 hours, I get to leave for 2 hours. :)

I used to say, "Teenagers! :gah:" Now I say, "7 year olds! :gah:"
 
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