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Teen Pregnancy and Public Aid help........

focadima said:
I was checking up with CW last night. I had already read this thread earlier in day but after reading updates I told DH--ANOTHER 18 year old girl on CW is pregnant--OMG scary. and then dh said--Have you talked to your sons (19 and 20) I said yes plenty of times..

This is a SERIOUS non flaming question from the very smart former teen moms on here--

Your stories amaze me--I could have been YOU--I had ummm a number of loser partners in HS or early college. My older sister ( 6 years older then me) who was a rebel in our family, took me to planned parenthood when she saw "signs" that I was "active" --anyway--You all seem so smart--even smart back then. How do you think you let this "happen" to you?? I think for me It was that my parents really were not in my life-they were YOUNG parents and I was the baby of 4 kids--got good grades so they let me be..I was overweight and I went for attention anywhere I could get it.

I am scared with my 17 DD--I think she is soooooooo much like me at that age--but a bit less street ( does that make sense??) I have told her a few times that she can not let a boy convince her that he is all she has--or that he just loves her so much just to get in her pants ( bad feelings of my own) I think she will melt the first time a boy shows her that much attention *sigh*

I love hearing your success stories, when me and dh moved to our first home the first person I met and became friends with was a woman who had her first ds when she was days shy of her 15th bday!! her 2nd ds was the same age as my oldest and we became fast friends--I was amazed that her oldest ds was such a GREAT kid, and more impressed that her mom made her raise him herself!
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One of the ways that I remind my kids is by having them help with the little kids. When DD16 has her boyfriend over they have to leave the door open and little kids will pop in every minute or two to see what they are doing. I figure by the time the little kids (6,5,and3) are old enough to have serious relationships I will probably have grandkids that they can practice on and realize kids aren't dolls.
I also point out repeatedly that most methods of birth control did not work for me. And even using pills and condoms together wasn't enough to stop me from getting pregnant (with DS11.)

To make a long story short - my first relationship was a mess. I was bullied a lot as a kid and was just ecstatic that someone thought I was worthy of attention. My boyfriend had a 2 yo son that the mother never let him see. Our relationship was immature at best and emotionally abusive at worst. Somehow I had the bright idea that if I got pregnant it would make everything better for him. I got pregnant the first time we had sex. It was really the only immature decision I have ever made in my life. Somehow, someway, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. But it was in no way an easy road and I don't want my kids following in my footsteps.
It's really hard to admit that to myself, let alone you guys.
 
stazmatic said:
Sorry I threw a **** out there and disappeared! DD16 fell last night at gymnastics and dislocated her elbow. Spent all night in the ER......
Maybe a good story to tell your DD Newbee. It doesn't matter how old your kids get it is a life time job.
Ok well about the daycare thing. I think young mothers have the potential to be the best mothers out there. And I understand not everyone is as supported as I was. I am quite sure everyone of you did the absolute best thing for the situation you were in. Newbee if your current sitter would take the baby with your current child that would be the next best thing. I think there is going to be a lot of uncertainty in everyone's future. Keeping this baby as close as possible will underscore the point that this is a life style change. Similar to how some people think that you can just put a puppy in a cage and not be home is how some people treat their kids at daycare. If your DD knew she had an "out" that she could do whatever she wanted once she dropped the kid off at daycare it could set her up for failure.
I am not saying that all daycares are bad, or that people are bad parents for using daycare. You do what you have to do. What I am trying to impress upon is what you were saying Newbee about pushing her to be an adult but still giving her a soft place to land. Knowing that this is a permanent change and she is the only one with this responsibility is very scary. I have seen other moms (young and old) who put their kids in daycare so they can "have a life."
It's hard to explain in writing and I am not meaning to offend ANYONE! I am trying to relate how teenage minds deal with their problems and some ways to encourage the most positive results.
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I get what you are saying now a bit more I think, and hope others get a better idea now too. I have worked with many teen moms who think they will have a kid and continue life like they did and just have a kid with them while they do it, or they leave them at day care for 12 hours because it is "free" since the state is paying. My god sister gave birth the month before I had the big incident above :lol: Her mother wanted her to have the baby so bad, she told her she would help and she could still do everything she wanted to, just don't give up the baby. HUGE MISTAKE. We have grown apart and I haven't saw her in years, but last time I did see her she was a cashier at a fast food restaurant (about 5 years ago) and I remember the fights she would have with her mom about wanting to go out and not have the baby. (imagine Jenelle on teen mom, but not with the cursing and the stealing...lol). Newbee, regardless of how hard it seems, you have to force her to grow up and it will be in the best interest of you all, and more importantly the baby if she does.

stazmatic said:
That is SOOOO true! My biggest motivation for making something of my life was I didn't want to be "just another teen mom." I always push myself to be the best, act the best, be the smartest, etc., etc. Now that I am older I have relaxed quite a bit. When DD started school I was BY FAR the youngest parent and I was always very hard on her to make sure she "reflected well on our family" She was very polite and sweet and studious. I worked my **** off to send her to a private school just to prove that I could. I stayed married to my ex who was abusive (emotionally not physically) because I wanted to prove to everyone that I could be married and have kids and turn out right. I finished college even though it took 8 years.
One of my worst memories happened when DD was 10. One of her friends asked me how old I was and I told her. She did the math and said, "Oh my gosh you were a TEEN MOM???? Teen Moms are the worst parents in the world that is so irresponsible!" Yes I got put down by a 10 year old and it still bothers me 6 years later. I thought for sure this kid would treat me and my kids differently. I ended up relaying the conversation to her mom and she set her kid straight and things have been fine since. But, it has been my personal mission to let the world know that bad moms and good moms have nothing to do with age.
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YES! To this whole thing, I have a younger face even now and I was once asked if my mother said it was ok for me to pick up my brother (my son) from school. I also have had many moms look down on me when DS was younger because I was a young single mom, but I kept him in the best schools and made sure he had all he needed educationally. But it was a double edged sword because most of those moms were SAHMs who had husband and I obviously did not fit. Even now I seem to be reliving that in some ways as many of the moms I am around for homeschooling events are much older than me with teens, but I am now more mature myself and can handle it and have no shame in my past anymore, but it definitely brough back memories when I first started meeting with the homeschool moms this year.
 
I just want to clarify, I am not promoting lying to the state for anything regarding insurance, but I am fully promoting that if they don't ask, you don't tell. (which is basically something that your DD will have to learn about everything involving the state) As a teen mom, I learned that no one wants to help you if you seem like you are going to school and getting yourself together and have support, they are there for the ones who want nothing. I got foodstamps for 3 months....I was supposed to get $200ish, but I had to go to IMPACT (this was at the beginning of "welfare reform in the late 90's) to get it and it was a program to help me get a job. The reason I had to go was because at that time education got you a waiver, but it had to be a educational track you could complete in 12-24 months. A 4 year degree would not do that. I refused to quite college and so I had to go to this class where they taught us how to look for jobs. It was 40 hours a week! Plus I had school and my DS was at daycare tooo long with all of this, but the kicker was when they were teaching us to type our resumes on a word processor (1997, computers were just getting big) AND they wanted us to list our HOBBIES on our resume. REALLY? I might have been just 18, but I knew that was the dumbest thing ever and you did not do that on your resume and it looked less professional to use a word processor over Microsoft Works. So I didn't go back and I got my 1 month of foodstamps and thought I would keep them for the 3 months, but nope they cut me off the next month for non compliance.

All that to say that the system is set up on a don't ask don't tell basis. Your daughter walks into an office and has a plan and you woudl think they would want to help....she only needs insurance for the baby, oh that will save the state money, right? No, they are not sit up that way, and the key to other benefits is that medicaid card, or possibly getting into another program, but you have to get into one to open the door to the others.

I would not end her insurance with your DH though, she will need it and it will ease a care off her to have that. I never had insurance for years, but kept DS on insurance...I am still paying for the lack of dental coverage alone today.
 
Hmmm....OK...well started dating ex-dh in the summer that I turned 15 we was umm...older (21) made him wait and wait and wait, when I was 16 I lost my virginity to him and got pregnant right out of the gate. This more or less ended things at the time and he got a new GF when I was about 4 months. Stopped returning my calls so I went over to her house where he was we all had a little verbal tiff and I was upset and ran down the stairs from her apartment, fell down the stairs and had a miscarriage 12 hours later.

Then, later on when I was 18 we got back together, moved in together and in spite of the fact that I was taking BC pills religiously got pregnant with DD18 6 weeks later, we were still living together (I was 19 when she was born).

Broke up again when DD was 6 months old, I lived with my mom and he lived with his and we split the week with DD. But, it wasn't exactly a "clean break" but I was using those sponge things with the spermicide cream (anyone remember those?) and when I fainted at DD's 1st birthday I realized we might have a "situation". We did DS17 :lol: We got married when I was 5 months pregnant with DS in May 1994. That lasted until I left his cheating **** in October 1995.

So, since we have two birth control babies, I'm going to have to say this happened to me because God decided ex-dh and I should have babies no matter what!! :giggles:

focadima said:
How do you think you let this "happen" to you??
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thank you all for being so honest :)

I already said that I had major self esteem issues so anyone who actually wanted to be with me--well great! I thought wow everyone else is doing it

hmmmm fast forward to my adult life and good girlfriends so many of them have had one or maybe 2 partners!! ( or even here at CW)--my friends are crazy moms like myself and I am thinking hmmmmm wow I really fell hard for that everyone is doing it lie..

Last month at the HS I work at we hosted a young adult author who has written
a number of books

books that we can not keep on our shelves--she is a local chicago area writer --her books have won big awards. 2 of her series have the teenage girls having sex with tehir boyfriends--sealing their love..blah blah.. one character actually had sex at 15--had a tubal pregnancy--swore off of boys for a few years then ends up sleeping with the first boy she starts dating again!!

so we have lunch with this author and I tell her how this upsets me--that everyone is NOT having sex--( coming from me who slept with way too many boys before even college) she said but lots of girls are and that they need to deal with this..blah blah I was sad. especially because these book really appeal to the hispanic community and we have a number of YOUNG hispanic pregnant girls each year at school *sigh*
 
MrsMelton, I can't believe your mom SHOT at your boyfriend. :lol: I know it's not funny...except it is. :p I thought my mom was going to kill my ex, too. She flailed around the room & I just remember her SHOVING him so hard into the wall. (My mom is little- 4'11", 100 pounds, she **** near took him out.) All she kept screaming was, "You liar! You liar! 'I promise Mrs. Dragonfly, we're not doing anything!' LIAR!" :snort:

Staz, I worked really hard to be the best mom, too. Definitely had a point to prove as the youngest mom of all of DD's peers. (Still am the youngest.) When she was in 1st grade I was the 'head room mother.' I had a meeting at my house & one of the mom's said, "How old are you? (23) Well, do you really think you can handle this job?" Um, pretty sure if I can be an actual mom, I can be a room mom. WTF? :p I still don't like that woman. :lol:
 
When my mom found out when I was 16 she said "If you HAD to get pregnant, did it have the with an @@shole like {insert ex-dh's name here}. I've officially lived long enough to feel her pain :lol:
 
mrs.melton08 said:
I don't think I have actually told this story fully to anyone before, maybe not even DH.

But I actually was dating another guy shortly before I got pregnant who I would not have sex with (was not a virgin, but had committed myself to trying to be celibate (sp?) until marriage because I regretted that I had sex and we didn't stay together with someone esle. We did lots of things but no actual penetration (of any area :giggles:) because I was 16 and to me it was a good compromise :lol:. We were so in love...we were going to be together forever, he was going to the NFL, we were going to college together, on and on....but eventually he got tired of waiting for me and started to cheat on me and hurt my little teenage heart. Enter DSs father who I worked with at Burger King, I was a homebody and really no one even knew me (besides the smart girl you copy off of) until I had dated the previosu Boyfriend that I had just had. So now everyone was paying attention to me and I liked it, my dad was around, but my parents were divorced and really my mother was so busy making sure we never felt like we were without monetary things that she wasn't around a lot to teach me to feel good about being me. I feel completely for the garbage DSs father said and really it was garbage...dude was quoting songs to me God teenagers are stupid :lol: ) and he came over one day, uninvited, unplanned and we ended up having sex. We used a condom, but the comdom broke...literally broke. I had no idea how to put it on, or how to know when it was gone...really didn't even enjoy the sex, but I knew that all of a sudden he started to enjoy it and I thought "good it will be over soon". Afterwards he metioned it broke and I don't really think I even cared or was really concerned (that invincible teenager feeling is real). I always had irregular cycles so no big deal when I didn't have a period, but then I got sick eating my favorite meal (kraft mac and cheese, the powdery yucky one) and ti hit me that I might be pregnant.

I never took a test and I was in kind of denial, but still hoping it would go away. I didn't say anything to anyone, but I did finally admit to myself I might be pregnant, so when DSs father asks about 2 months later to come over again I think maybe this will be the time to tell him. So he wants to have sex again and I think "why not, not like I can get pregnant" :lol: and this woudl be a easy way to break it to him (yeah, I know I am sounding more and more stupid as you read). Well my mom comes in and catches him there...we are actually in the act yet, but it is obvious where it is going. My mom slams the door so hard it gets stuck when she comes in and goes to her room. I tell him to leave because I know where she is going. He doesn't leave fast enough and the bullet flies over my head. My mom literally tried to kill him :lol: Door wont open so he jumps from the second floor window and then as my mom is hollering at me I scream at her "I can't get pregnant, I already am" :giggles:

Today that is a funy story, but back then I know I broke my mother's heart into a million pieces and I am glad I have had the opportunity to makee her proud of me again.

So really I was a "good girl" too. I just didn't know enough about me to say no and mean it. I must say that if anything, please teach your children (boys and girls) to be strong enough to not do it because everyone else is doing it, I really liked the attention I got once I was noticed and I didn't want to loose that attention and thought that like others acted that sex could be something I could just do to say I did it. I had sex one time ever April 6, 1996 with DSs father and here I sit today in 2011 and I have the rest of my life to be stuck with him, it really only takes one time.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! I laughed and cried and laughed and cried some more. It sure is hard sharing these stories and telling the whole truth. Liberating too though....Who knew CW could be therapy on a budget?
It is amazing to think about how far we have all come. We have definitely proved the naysayers wrong!
 
Most things have been mentioned so I'm just refreshing a bit

I did want to say though any Aid will go off of your income, so get her established as independent. Her income will be very low this will help with several things

WIC, CHIP ( medical care for the baby when they are born) and medicare for your daughter, food stamps, and Child support ( if she choses to apply for child support???)
You may look into section 8 housing ( it's not as bad as it once was) or a renters agreement if you want to have her live with you, it should be 30% of her income...

But the most important thing besides medical is her FASFA and child care assistance. Going to college is pricy and good for her for wanting to stick with it, but being independent and having a dependent on your taxes will give her more grant money for school. A BIG difference if you haven't already ran the numbers on the assistance you get being a dependent vs Independent..
 
Wow.. We have very similar stories. Just so you know, I didn't have time to back & read through all the pages, but wanted to share my experiences with you, so there will probably be repeats to what you've already heard. My daughter made me a grandma at 39 last year, she also was 18 (freshman in college). My grandson will be one year old in just under 2 weeks. She was away at school her first year, then had enrolled in junior coll after she completed her first year. She found out she was pregnant in about april/may, came home in beg of June.. She literally was at school the day she gave birth (in the morning of course). She was off the rest of that week & then had finals the following week. She didn't miss any school at all really.
First of all, leave her on your insurance, but apply at AllKids.com & go to the Moms & Babies section. We did know earlier then 5 weeks out, so she only applied for Moms & Babies, not the MPE program. They covered HIS hopital bills, but the hospital must know that she is also covered under your insurance. What I Did find out from my insurance though & you might want to call your provider & see what they say, is that both she AND THE BABY were covered under MY insurance (HMO Ill) if they left the hospital AT THE SAME TIME & he was a 'well baby'. If he was sick or had to stay and she left earlier than him, then he wouldn't have been covered under mine. So he was essentially covered either way. I had no idea that he would have ever been covered under my insurance. After that he's covered by All Kids, and actually she still is too. Secondly, she should apply for WIC. They didn't ask for any information really about where she lived or have to provide my info. She gets formula & baby food from them. When she wanted to apply for a LINK card they wanted all my info. I make too much for her to get LINK (like you) & we didn't go the route of providing a rent receipt. Also, have her start applying for childcare assistance one the baby is born - actforchildren.org If you are in Cook County, they have a Teen Project, have her call that number on the Teen Project page. Tell her to call often, they only have certain hours they answer the phone.. Also, as was just mentioned be sure on next years FAFSA, she should apply as independent with a dependent and apply as early as possible. That totally helped. i have intentionally not mentioned the father in all this. While technically still in the picture, he provides nothing for his child, other than watching him at times while she's at school. If you have any other questions or need anything, send me a message. I totally know all the stages you've been through & will go through. It can be so hard, but in the end, that baby will be the light of your life. I know my grandson is!!
 
Re: Teen Pregnancy and Public Aid help........UPDATE

Well ladies, the day arrived and my granddaughter arrived at 3:00 am on the 26th. She is healthy and beautiful!!! Mom and baby are doing great and they just got home from the hospital today. She is nursing like a champ and after arriving a week earlier than we planned she is sleeping peacefully in her room that Nana and Papa got ready for her. I don't think I've slept in 2 days trying to get everything ready, but we made it.

After much discussions.....DSD18 has signed up for 2 online classes at our jr. college that start the 17th and will be getting her old job back waiting tables at the end of January.

She did tell the baby daddy and he wanted to know "what do you want from me"...her response "nothing, I thought you should know." Baby daddy wants nothing to do with her and DSD18 is ok with that. She said she will tell her someday who he is and will try to keep track of him so that if baby wants to meet him someday DSD will have info to give her. DSD current BF is super supportive and wants to be the dad. So they are working through how that is going to work and being young and not earning enough money to support each other :)

DSD applied for WIC and was turned down because we made to much money as we figured. However, the women at WIC was really great with her and told her to reapply when she started working and could produce check stubs of her own.

So all in all it works out in the end, as I knew it would. All babies are a blessing regardless of timing! :)
 
newbee said:
Thank you, I was going to put "UPDATE" on the title but I don't have and edit button for my original post.:9:
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Too much time has gone by to be able to edit/change your post. That's why the edit button is gone.
 
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