Planned to do Christmas w/ ILs, but we are no longer invited
- Thread starter KG
- Start date
I guess MIL said "we thought you guys wouldn't be able to make it so we didn't call." this is a reference to MIL planning all her visits around SIL's schedule, not bothering to contact us until a few days before (at which point we usually have plans). So, perhaps a retaliation of sorts. nice.
We've been married almost 10 years, and I've never really felt like a member of their family, like MIL was always kind of waiting for me to leave. I never really got along with her (self-absorbed, materialistic and pretentious) daughter, while MIL thinks SIL ****s gold bricks. MIL can act very nice, and I usually think she's a nice person, but then she pulls BS like this.
My brother is getting married next year, and I love his fiance like a sister. I am thrilled my brother is marrying her; they are a great fit together and she really makes him so happy. She's like one of us (and they aren't even married yet). After 10+ years, I just don't have that relationship with my in-laws. I feel like MIL almost resents me for marrying her son.
My DH was hurt too, but since it's his mother I think it's easier for him to get over it. I am a very loyal person -- it takes a lot to earn my loyalty, but once you do, I would do anything for that person. And when I feel betrayed (like this) I have a very hard time getting over it.
I was really hurt by her (actually their; SIL was involved too as she could have called us too) exclusionary behavior. But the bottom line is she is my DH's mother. I have to put it in the past and move forward. I have to be gracious, act like an adult, visit them nicely, and continue to invite them to my home on holidays. Thank you guys for letting me vent here. :huggy:
But if MIL pisses me off one more time I'll make sure she's not invited to my brother's wedding (and I think she would like to be there) :snicker: spiteful, maybe, but WTH.
We've been married almost 10 years, and I've never really felt like a member of their family, like MIL was always kind of waiting for me to leave. I never really got along with her (self-absorbed, materialistic and pretentious) daughter, while MIL thinks SIL ****s gold bricks. MIL can act very nice, and I usually think she's a nice person, but then she pulls BS like this.
My brother is getting married next year, and I love his fiance like a sister. I am thrilled my brother is marrying her; they are a great fit together and she really makes him so happy. She's like one of us (and they aren't even married yet). After 10+ years, I just don't have that relationship with my in-laws. I feel like MIL almost resents me for marrying her son.
My DH was hurt too, but since it's his mother I think it's easier for him to get over it. I am a very loyal person -- it takes a lot to earn my loyalty, but once you do, I would do anything for that person. And when I feel betrayed (like this) I have a very hard time getting over it.
I was really hurt by her (actually their; SIL was involved too as she could have called us too) exclusionary behavior. But the bottom line is she is my DH's mother. I have to put it in the past and move forward. I have to be gracious, act like an adult, visit them nicely, and continue to invite them to my home on holidays. Thank you guys for letting me vent here. :huggy:
But if MIL pisses me off one more time I'll make sure she's not invited to my brother's wedding (and I think she would like to be there) :snicker: spiteful, maybe, but WTH.
BUMP for ****s and giggles.
It's a different year, there are new stories, but bottom line is I forgave (again), started over (again), yet my MIL is dishing out the same sugar-coated passive-aggression. woot.
this is what happened when we went out to dinner the day after Thanksgiving:
MIL: "let's get an appetizer."
FIL: "What should we get?"
*crickets* for 30 seconds
SIL (MIL's little angel): "I'd like to try the crabcakes."
FIL: "ok, we'll get the crabcakes. I want another appetizer. what else should we get?"
*excruciating silence*
some of us finally ask others what they want; all are noncommital. we all know if we pick something it will be wrong.
waitress approaches the table; takes the order for crabcakes. FIL mentions we want another appetizer. more crickets. Waitress tries to get an answer out of someone.... nothing from anyone. Finally, after 3 painful minutes (extra painful for me because I've been a server and I know we're wasting her time), DH puts us out of our misery by yelling "Mushrooms!"
So the waitress says, "You want the mushrooms then?" We all agree, waitress walks away.
10 seconds later, MIL says, "I wanted to try the artichoke/spinach dip"
next time the waitress comes back, FIL orders it for her.
aaaand that is a microcosm of my relationship with her. Every visit we have, every meal we share, every gift I give her, every time DH and I see them, it's a passive aggressive mind-game. I'm very BAD at guessing the color she's thinking of and I'm giving up (again) :surrender: I decided life was short and I should put all the crap in the past, be nice and try to see her more (since she always whines we don't see her enough), soooo the day after Thanksgiving I invited her to my house for Christmas dinner, and told her we'd also like to see her on December 23rd. Guess who still doesn't have any concrete plans for December 23rd, despite emailing back and forth several times a week since then :surrender:
I am trying to do what wcjost talked about in another thread and not take it personally. Let go of it, let their **** hit the fan, and laugh about it.
It feels good to put all that out there. Sooooo laugh at the artichoke/spinach dip, and tell your FUN in-law and/or family stories here.
It's a different year, there are new stories, but bottom line is I forgave (again), started over (again), yet my MIL is dishing out the same sugar-coated passive-aggression. woot.
this is what happened when we went out to dinner the day after Thanksgiving:
MIL: "let's get an appetizer."
FIL: "What should we get?"
*crickets* for 30 seconds
SIL (MIL's little angel): "I'd like to try the crabcakes."
FIL: "ok, we'll get the crabcakes. I want another appetizer. what else should we get?"
*excruciating silence*
some of us finally ask others what they want; all are noncommital. we all know if we pick something it will be wrong.
waitress approaches the table; takes the order for crabcakes. FIL mentions we want another appetizer. more crickets. Waitress tries to get an answer out of someone.... nothing from anyone. Finally, after 3 painful minutes (extra painful for me because I've been a server and I know we're wasting her time), DH puts us out of our misery by yelling "Mushrooms!"
So the waitress says, "You want the mushrooms then?" We all agree, waitress walks away.
10 seconds later, MIL says, "I wanted to try the artichoke/spinach dip"
next time the waitress comes back, FIL orders it for her.
aaaand that is a microcosm of my relationship with her. Every visit we have, every meal we share, every gift I give her, every time DH and I see them, it's a passive aggressive mind-game. I'm very BAD at guessing the color she's thinking of and I'm giving up (again) :surrender: I decided life was short and I should put all the crap in the past, be nice and try to see her more (since she always whines we don't see her enough), soooo the day after Thanksgiving I invited her to my house for Christmas dinner, and told her we'd also like to see her on December 23rd. Guess who still doesn't have any concrete plans for December 23rd, despite emailing back and forth several times a week since then :surrender:
I am trying to do what wcjost talked about in another thread and not take it personally. Let go of it, let their **** hit the fan, and laugh about it.
It feels good to put all that out there. Sooooo laugh at the artichoke/spinach dip, and tell your FUN in-law and/or family stories here.
Oh, and I'm really sorry about the dinner plans. I dropped the ball. Your MIL is spending the 23rd w/us and I was supposed to let you know.
My bad. :huggy:
My bad. :huggy:
Babe, you would be doing me a favor! Thank you for taking her off my hands! See if you can ply her with Bailey's; she's not bad on the rare occasion she drinks (once every ten years) :huggy:
OH KG, I am just seeing this post and was reading and thinking wow, all this since we talked and then realized this is originally from 2009- and now I understand the Kathie Griffith and now KG. love backstory.
Anyway, will definitely have to stop by and have that baileys as I wait for my bro and sis in law to show up and once they do, I will get to open my used gift. AAhh..the holidays.
Anyway, would post more but I gotta run to stores. Did an inventory of stuffs and I have more gifts to get yet. Thank goodness Kohls and TRUS is open til midnight and later. Maybe I'll pop back in later.
Anyway, will definitely have to stop by and have that baileys as I wait for my bro and sis in law to show up and once they do, I will get to open my used gift. AAhh..the holidays.
Anyway, would post more but I gotta run to stores. Did an inventory of stuffs and I have more gifts to get yet. Thank goodness Kohls and TRUS is open til midnight and later. Maybe I'll pop back in later.
Just to add to the crazy family Christmas dinner stories.
I asked my in laws a few weeks ago whether they would like to come over for dinner when BIL comes home(today). They didn't get back to me until this morning. They called to say they would like to come tomorrow. Sorry, I am no fairy god mother who can make dinner with a wane. And, DH works late tomorrow, won't be home till 10 p.m.!
I asked my in laws a few weeks ago whether they would like to come over for dinner when BIL comes home(today). They didn't get back to me until this morning. They called to say they would like to come tomorrow. Sorry, I am no fairy god mother who can make dinner with a wane. And, DH works late tomorrow, won't be home till 10 p.m.!
So rude! I didn't know we had the same in-laws :giggles: MIL drops the ball like that repeatedly, then whines we don't see her enough. :surrender:I love how you gave your in-laws A FEW WEEKS and heard nothing... I just started to set deadlines with my MIL. As in, "let me know by Wednesday night if you want to do X at Y place at Z time." So far it's working.
My in laws live 5 minutes away and we(esp DH) see them too much! But they still whine they have not seen us for.....a week..!
They are not bad people though, they are very caring, ...too much...can be suffocating. Some may think I don't know how lucky I am. But, do you really want in laws who call/leave msgs several times a day to update you about the snow storm and to tell you to be careful about driving around? (Ironically, calling while I am driving around is really going to help?!) DH thinks caring people do that. But, what can they do? Come over to weather the storm for us?:ranting:
SO I've been looking back on this.
Now I realize very clearly I should have listened to most of you and we shouldn't have gone to their house for Christmas that year, but there's nothing I can do about it now.
I'm happy to announce that I am no longer a doormat. I have gotten up off the floor. AND all are no longer welcome at my house for any given holiday; only people who will bring something positive to our lives are welcome. I remember the IL's bullshit, but I'm not angry about it anymore. I've finally learned who they are and I won't give them a chance to hurt me, and I especially will never give them a chance to hurt my daughter like they've hurt me.
It feels so good to stand up for myself and not to be a ****ing doormat.
:bowing:
Now I realize very clearly I should have listened to most of you and we shouldn't have gone to their house for Christmas that year, but there's nothing I can do about it now.
I'm happy to announce that I am no longer a doormat. I have gotten up off the floor. AND all are no longer welcome at my house for any given holiday; only people who will bring something positive to our lives are welcome. I remember the IL's bullshit, but I'm not angry about it anymore. I've finally learned who they are and I won't give them a chance to hurt me, and I especially will never give them a chance to hurt my daughter like they've hurt me.
It feels so good to stand up for myself and not to be a ****ing doormat.
:bowing:
I've had a similar realization in the past year. It's liberating. It's saddening at first, but liberating as you move on. I haven't spoken to my toxic grandmother since last February. At first I missed her & now I am happy to be free of her bullshit. The perks that came with her have been diminished by the overwhelming relief of not having to worry about anything, ever again.
:huggy: blonditz
:huggy: your mom's mom?
I didn't understand what toxic truly meant until recently. I opened my eyes back in July when I had a nightmare about a black mamba in my house. I needed to get hit over the head with it: subconscious is saying something important!! Poisonous snake in the house = toxic person in your life :lol:
We are working towards eventually re-establishing a very low-contact relationship with the ILs. DH and I are learning skills to recognize and shut MIL's BS/attacks/manipulations down in the moment. If we can be successful and teach the ILs to respect us, I can see us having a few short (like 2 hours, not 3 days long) visits a year. I'm aware it could also not work. It's no longer important for me to have my MIL like me. First, clearly she doesn't. Second, I'd rather be a good mother than a good DIL, and part of that means not having MIL disrespect/undermine me in front of my kid, which means setting boundaries. Fortunately DH is on the same page as me with all this.
Also, this has been allowing me to establish boundaries with my mom. It's keeping her in line so far. I'm pretty sure eventually, someday, her guanopsychosis will appear again :hides: and I'll really have to stand up for myself. I envision it as this epic struggle, like Gandalf and the Balrog in LOTR: Fellowship of the Rings. "You Shall Not Pass!!" Like Gandalf, the struggle will probably kill me, but I'll come back stronger than ever.
:huggy: your mom's mom?
I didn't understand what toxic truly meant until recently. I opened my eyes back in July when I had a nightmare about a black mamba in my house. I needed to get hit over the head with it: subconscious is saying something important!! Poisonous snake in the house = toxic person in your life :lol:
We are working towards eventually re-establishing a very low-contact relationship with the ILs. DH and I are learning skills to recognize and shut MIL's BS/attacks/manipulations down in the moment. If we can be successful and teach the ILs to respect us, I can see us having a few short (like 2 hours, not 3 days long) visits a year. I'm aware it could also not work. It's no longer important for me to have my MIL like me. First, clearly she doesn't. Second, I'd rather be a good mother than a good DIL, and part of that means not having MIL disrespect/undermine me in front of my kid, which means setting boundaries. Fortunately DH is on the same page as me with all this.
Also, this has been allowing me to establish boundaries with my mom. It's keeping her in line so far. I'm pretty sure eventually, someday, her guanopsychosis will appear again :hides: and I'll really have to stand up for myself. I envision it as this epic struggle, like Gandalf and the Balrog in LOTR: Fellowship of the Rings. "You Shall Not Pass!!" Like Gandalf, the struggle will probably kill me, but I'll come back stronger than ever.
:huggy: break the bridge! don't let the Balrog across!
We told SIL I am pregnant with our first kid. We sent it in a card because neither of us can stand talking to her. She has not replied in any way or said one word about it. Because it's not all about her. I'd be pissed if I didn't already know this is who she is. Now I just :lol: at her self-absorbed ****.
