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Just For A Laugh

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divastar

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Steve and Dave were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office to sign on. When asked his occupation, Steve replied, "I'm an underwear stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up 'underwear stitcher' and found it classified as unskilled labour. Steve would receive $300.00 a week in unemployment benefits.

Then it was Dave's turn. When asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since this is skilled work Dave would get $600.00 a week in unemployment benefits.

Hearing this, Steve storms back into the office to complain. The clerk explains that Dave gets more as he was skilled, where as he was unskilled.

"Skilled?" said Steve outraged. "What skill? I sew the elastic onto the panties, all he does is hold them up and says 'Yep, diesel fitter."

---------- Post added at 01:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:21 PM ----------

"That's a beautiful fur coat your wearing," remarked one friend to another, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The friend replied "Why are you suddenly all worried about my husband?"
 
Edna and her husband went to the local show every year. And every year Edna would say "Fred, I would like to go on the airplane ride." and every year Fred would reply, "I know Edna, but the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars!"

One year Edna and Fred are once again at the show and Edna says to Fred, "I am 71 years old. If I do not ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Fred once again replies, "Edna, the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overhears them and says, "I will make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can keep quiet for the entire ride I won't charge you...but if you even say one word, it's ten dollars."

Edna and Fred agree, and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does even more dangerous tricks, but still not a word. They finally land and the pilot turns to Edna and say "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to scream or yell, but you didn't, so no charge."

Edna replies, "Well....I was going to say something when Fred fell out but as he always says, ten dollars is ten dollars!"

---------- Post added at 12:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:54 PM ----------

I always give 100% at work.............

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Friday
 
A man and his wife were having problems at home, and were giving each other the silent treatment. This continued for over a week. Towards the end of the week, the man realizes that he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and 'lose the stand off', he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5am."

The next morning the man woke up only to discover it was after 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5am! Wake Up!"

---------- Post added at 02:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:09 PM ----------

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Here, let me show you what I mean." With that he went and dialed a number at random. When the man answered the phone Dad said, "Hello is Kevin there?" The man at the other end answered, "There is noone living here by the name of Kevin. Why don't you look up number in the phone book before you dial?" and hung up.

The girls father redialed the same number, "Is Kevin there?" he asked. "Hey didn't you just call before?" came the reply, "And didn't I tell you there is no Kevin here." And with that he slammed down the phone. The father once again dials the number, "Can I speak to Kevin please?". There came a reply that cannot be repeated.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I will show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number once more, and when a violent voice answered, "HELLO?!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Kevin. Have there been any calls for me?"
 
A young couple out playing golf watched in horror as a stray shot crashed through the window of a nearby house. Rushing up, they saw a handsome man in a turban.
"We're terribly sorry!" the husband said, "We'll pay for the damage." "Not at all," replied the man in the turban, "You have done me a favour. I am a genie, I have been trapped for a thousand years until your golf ball came through the window and broke the bottle that has been my prison. Allow me to grant whatever you wish."
The astonished couple wish to become perfect golfers. "It is done!" cried the genie with a snap of his fingers. They then ask to become millionaires. Snapping his fingers again, the genie says, "I have set up your bank account so that $100,000 will be deposited into it every month for as long as you live."
The husband and wife are over the moon. "How can we ever thank-you?" they ask. "Well, there is one thing," replied the genie. "I have been imprisoned for a thousand years and I have forgotten what it is like to hold a woman in my arms ......If I could just have one night with your beautiful wife?" The husband and wife quickly talk with each other and decide they can live with this. So it is agreed.
After a night of passion, the wife is all set to rejoin her husband. Before she leave the genie asks her, "How old are you?" The woman replies, "I am 29 years old. Why do you want to know this?" "Absolutely astounding!" the genie says, "29 years old and you still believe in genies??"
 
PROSECUTOR: "Did you kill the victim?"

DEFENDANT: "No Sir, I did not."

PROSECUTOR: "Are you aware of the penalty if you are found guilty of perjury?"

DEFENDANT: "Yes Sir, I am - and it's alot less than the penalty for murder!"

---------- Post added at 07:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:28 PM ----------

A guy is at home watching football on TV when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hall way for me? It has been flickering for weeks now." He looked at her and angrily replied, "Fix the lights? Do I look like I have Phillips written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"OK," says the wife, "You cannot repair the light. Can you fix the fridge door then? It doesn't close properly." He again looks at his wife and replies in angry voice, "Fix the fridge now? Do I look like I have Fisher and Paykel written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine then, " says the wife, "You cannot repair the fridge. But surely you can mend the front stairs. They are about to break." The husband explodes, "I am not a **** carpenter and I cannot fix stairs. Do I look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead?? I don't think so! I have had enough, I'm going to the pub."

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours........he starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife, and decides to go home and do the work she wanted him to do. As he walks into the house he notices the stairs are already fixed. As he enters the hall he sees the light working, and goes into the kitchen to find the fridge door mended.

"Honey," he asks "How did all these things get fixed?"

"Well when you left, I sat outside and cried. A nice young man walking past stopped and asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he offered to do all the repairs, all I had to do for him was either cook him a cake or sleep with him."

The husband smiled, "So what sort of cake did you bake for him?"

The wife replied, "Helloooooooo......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"
 
10 Reasons why God created Eve......

10. God worried that Adam would get lost in the Garden of Eden because he would't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the remote control.

8. God knew Adam would never make a doctor's appointment on his own.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never go to the store and buy himself a new one.

6.God knew that Adam would never remember to take the wheelie bin out.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, and he knew that Adam would never be able to handle labour pains and childbirth.

4. As keeper of the Garden, God knew that Adam would need someone to remind him what needed doing.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the apple incident, and for anything else that might happen.

2. As the bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the number one reason why God created eve.............when God had finished making Adam, he took a step back, looked Adam over and declared......"I can do better than that!"
 
hahaha! These are cute jokes. Did you find these on a website of sorts, or do you have a book of these jokes at home?
 
(They were all emails I received - thought I would share.)

A pilot, caught in strong cross-winds, unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runwy with a very hard and loud bang.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, smile and repeat "Thanks for flying with our airline."
The pilot tried to avoid eye contact in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result for the bumpy landing. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said "Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why of course not Mam" replied the pilot, "What is it?"
"Well theres just one thing I need to clarify," said the old lady, "Did we land, or were we shot down?

---------- Post added at 02:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:29 PM ----------

While on a car trip in the country, Des and Doris stopped at a roadside restaurant to have lunch.
Des left his glasses on the table and did not realise until they were back on the highway.
They had to travel quite a distance behind they could find somewhere to turn around and go back for the glasses.
Doris complained very loudly all the way, "Your memory is terrible" "You are always leaving things behind" "How stupid you can be sometimes Des", on and on she went.
They arrive back at the restaurant, and as Des gets out of the car to retrieve his glasses from inside Doris says, "Well since we are already here, and you are going inside anyway, you may as well get my glasses off the table as well."
 
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should
do something sexy to a tractor".
 
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it sits in your lounge room, messes up your stuff,
Eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realise you set it free........
You either married it or gave birth to it!

---------- Post added at 01:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:36 PM ----------

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her they have a wide range of pink curtains to choose from. He shows her several patterns before she finally settles on one with a pink floral print. The salesman asks her what size the curtains need to be cut and made to.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asks the salesman. "That sounds very small. Are you sure that is the right size? What room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they are not for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not have or need curtains."
The blonde exclaims, "Hellooooo, I've got Windows!"
 
A very shy man goes into a bar and see a beautiful woman sitting there. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Umm excuse me, but would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
The woman reponds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now looking at them. Naturally the man is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few mintues the woman walks over to apologise. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if that embarrassedyou. You see I am a graduate student in psychology and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. Please forgive me?"
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "Are you crazy?? What do you mean it will cost me $200??!!"

---------- Post added at 12:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:06 PM ----------

An old man goes to see Merlin the Magician, to ask him to remove the curse he had been living with for the past 40 years.
Merlin says, "I maybe able to help you, but you will have to tell me exactly what words were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation the old man replied "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have so much $tuff already, I $imply cannot think of anything I might need. Mi$$ you heap$, $o if you like $end me a card or $omething, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love from your $on


Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are hard, but an hoNOurs student like yourself should NOt have any problems. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and that you cannot study eNOugh. I miss you too.
Love Dad

---------- Post added at 02:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:22 PM ----------

An Amish boy and his father had come to town and were at the local shopping centre. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two big shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator before replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like it before in my whole life, I do not know what it is."
While the boy and his father continued to watch the lift in amazement, a fat old lady came up to the lift and entered into the open walls. The walls closed behind her, and the father and son watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
The fathers jaw dropped. He quickly turned to his son and said, "Go and get your mother!"
 
PARKING TICKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into
town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi ****.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw
the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now
that we're retired.. It's important at our age.
 
Eagles


Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,

his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.

She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning

he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there

weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the

nest and flew off once more to find a mate

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is,

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was......

No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!
... Don't be SO disgusting. !

The duck said,
'I am a DRAKE , and you've made a BIG BLOODY MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
 
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man. "I am very poor and do not have any money for food." The lawyer exclaims, "Oh well then you must come with me."
The poor man says, "Sir, I have a wife and two children. Can they come along also?" "Bring them along," says the lawyer, "And bring your friend here also."
The friend cries, "Oh thank you sir, but I also have a wife and I have six children. May they all come along also?"
"Bring them all!" cries the lawyer, "the more the merrier."
The men rush off and get their families and they all climb into the limousine and drive to the lawyers home.
"Sir, you are so kind" says the first poor man, "Thank you for allowing all of us to come to your home."
The lawyer replies, "No problem. In fact it will be you who is doing me a favour. The grass at my home is about two feet high!"
 
A nun, really needing to go to the toilet, walked into the local pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the whole place would erupt in cheers.
However, when the revellers saw the nun the room went dead silent. She walked up to the barmaid and asked, "May I please use your toilet?" The barmaid replied, "I don't think you should sister."
"Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a small fig leaf. You might find it offensive." "Oh nonsense, "said the nun, "I will simply look the other way."
So the barmaid showed the nun to the toilet, and she proceeded to go in. After a few mintues, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop long enough to give the nun a very loud round of applause when she walked out. She went to the barmaid and said, "I do not understand. Why did they just applaud me when I came out of the restroom?" "Well now they know that you are just like one of us," replied the barmaid. "Would you like a drink sister?"
"But I still do not understand, "said the confused and puzzled nun.
"Well you see," laughed the barmaid, "Everytime the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink sister?"

---------- Post added at 08:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:22 PM ----------

Three men were sitting together and bragging about their new wives and the duties they had given them.
The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife that she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said on the first day he did not see much improvement, on the second day a little improvement but by the third day, the house was clean and all dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Brazil. He bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the dishes, cleaning and the cooking. He said he saw no results on the first day, saw a little improvement on the second day but by the third day, he came home to see the dishes washed, the house clean and a hot meal on the table.

The third guy had married an Australian woman. He bragged that he has given his new wife orders to do all the dishes, cleaning, cooking, laundry and mow the lawn. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see any improvment, but by the end of the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

GOT TO LOVE THEM AUSTRALIAN GIRLS!
 
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

---------- Post added at 10:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:34 AM ----------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

---------- Post added at 10:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:34 AM ----------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
 
Why's of Men




1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at ****tails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...it never happened)
 
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