It's a BOY! AND A GIRL For Dragonfly!!!!!!
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Well, I think we have definitely turned a corner here. We had 3 days in a row (and most of Thanksgiving, so practically 4 days) with no issues. Tonight she broke an ornament & actually TOLD us, so that is a step in the right direction. 
The creepy "Mommy look at me!" stuff has stopped, and we're at a normal level of "mom."
So, you guys know I am NOT used to boys, so that combined with really not knowing these kids always has me a little off guard. (Like we cut down our tree yesterday & before we left I said to the boy, "Go potty before we go because it's a long ride & I don't know if there is a potty there" and he said, "That's ok. It's a tree farm, there will be lots of trees, mom!" So I spent the entire time making sure his pants were pulled up.) After we got the tree, we went out to lunch & there was a little rubber duck reindeer bath toy in his kids meal. So last night he wanted to take a bath (he's been taking showers) so he was in the tub & I knocked on the door to check on him & he didn't answer, so I went in. He was laying on his back with his little willy floating about :giggles: and I said, "What are you doing?" and he said, "I'm getting my water squirter ready!" And I said, "Don't pee in the tub!" and he looked at me like I was nuts & said, "I'm talking about my rubber ducky...what are you talking about?" :snort:
Thank you for tolerating my venting & endless stories. The adoption.com forum people are snoresville.
The creepy "Mommy look at me!" stuff has stopped, and we're at a normal level of "mom." So, you guys know I am NOT used to boys, so that combined with really not knowing these kids always has me a little off guard. (Like we cut down our tree yesterday & before we left I said to the boy, "Go potty before we go because it's a long ride & I don't know if there is a potty there" and he said, "That's ok. It's a tree farm, there will be lots of trees, mom!" So I spent the entire time making sure his pants were pulled up.
) After we got the tree, we went out to lunch & there was a little rubber duck reindeer bath toy in his kids meal. So last night he wanted to take a bath (he's been taking showers) so he was in the tub & I knocked on the door to check on him & he didn't answer, so I went in. He was laying on his back with his little willy floating about :giggles: and I said, "What are you doing?" and he said, "I'm getting my water squirter ready!" And I said, "Don't pee in the tub!" and he looked at me like I was nuts & said, "I'm talking about my rubber ducky...what are you talking about?" :snort:Thank you for tolerating my venting & endless stories.
The adoption.com forum people are snoresville.:lol::lol: The tree thing reminds me of a woman in the mom's group who would ENCOURAGE her son to pee in front of people if he had to go...at parks and anything outdoors...I nearly died when she had them do that the first time in front of us....somehow that is just in poor taste IMO.
H
hsmomof6
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Well, I think we have definitely turned a corner here. We had 3 days in a row (and most of Thanksgiving, so practically 4 days) with no issues. Tonight she broke an ornament & actually TOLD us, so that is a step in the right direction.
So, you guys know I am NOT used to boys, so that combined with really not knowing these kids always has me a little off guard. (Like we cut down our tree yesterday & before we left I said to the boy, "Go potty before we go because it's a long ride & I don't know if there is a potty there" and he said, "That's ok. It's a tree farm, there will be lots of trees, mom!" So I spent the entire time making sure his pants were pulled up.
Thank you for tolerating my venting & endless stories.
:roll: Your story about the boy made me laugh. I have 5 boys. When my oldest was just maybe a few years old we were driving back from Florida and we turned around to check on him in the backseat. This was during the time before all the electronic entertainment devices (like 25 or 26 years ago) and he was, well, keeping himself entertained....ahem.....so we stopped for ice cream to distract him. We still laugh about it.
Alrighty, it's been 2.5 weeks & we've all survived. :lol:
Everyone seems to be settling in....although last night DH said to me last night, "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now." :snort: He was kidding, it was a rough day with the girl.
I can't imagine what their lives would be like if they were still with their bio parents. (Minus the abuse/neglect, of course, just living a normal life.) They need SO MUCH attention with their school work. We start it at 4:00, break for dinner & usually don't finish until 6:30ish. It's unreal how long it takes them to do one page of work. Fortunately their teachers both give them a packet for the week, so we can do as little or as much as we need to. Spelling is a nightmare- neither of them seem to grasp it. Yesterday the boy said, "No, I did spelling LAST week" and we went on to have a lengthy conversation about how spelling is every week. He just could NOT believe it. :giggles: He said, "You have to be kidding me!" :lol:
The girl is really beyond challenging. I bought her new glasses last week, they are already lost. Evidently she takes them off when she gets on the bus & yesterday they got lost somewhere between the bus & the playground. The bus driver is checking the bus again, but it's not looking good. She lies CONSTANTLY- big, small, it doesn't matter. I don't believe a word she says. And then, when she's in trouble, she turns into a little Eddie Haskel. "This is the BEST CHICKEN EVER, Mommy!" I think my eyebrow is permanently raised. :surrender:
She needs A LOT of help. More than she has been getting. We are meeting with their case worker, case manager, therapists & GAL today. This is the FIRST time in the 3 years since they were removed from their parents that "the team" has had a meeting like this. WTF? Should be interesting, glad my DH can go with me.
DD14 is being so good with them. I am just shocked. I thought she'd be having fits by now after being "the baby" for 14 years, but she's hanging in there. I think she's just happy she finally has someone to boss around, rather than being bossed around by her older sisters. :lol:
This is way more difficult that I thought it would be. I kind of thought we'd lay it out there for the girl & she would "get it." She doesn't "get it." She knows full well that her lying caused the last disruption. She'd better get it together, because I am relentless. :snicker:
Everyone seems to be settling in....although last night DH said to me last night, "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now." :snort: He was kidding, it was a rough day with the girl.
I can't imagine what their lives would be like if they were still with their bio parents. (Minus the abuse/neglect, of course, just living a normal life.) They need SO MUCH attention with their school work. We start it at 4:00, break for dinner & usually don't finish until 6:30ish. It's unreal how long it takes them to do one page of work. Fortunately their teachers both give them a packet for the week, so we can do as little or as much as we need to. Spelling is a nightmare- neither of them seem to grasp it. Yesterday the boy said, "No, I did spelling LAST week" and we went on to have a lengthy conversation about how spelling is every week. He just could NOT believe it. :giggles: He said, "You have to be kidding me!" :lol:
The girl is really beyond challenging. I bought her new glasses last week, they are already lost. Evidently she takes them off when she gets on the bus & yesterday they got lost somewhere between the bus & the playground. The bus driver is checking the bus again, but it's not looking good. She lies CONSTANTLY- big, small, it doesn't matter. I don't believe a word she says. And then, when she's in trouble, she turns into a little Eddie Haskel. "This is the BEST CHICKEN EVER, Mommy!" I think my eyebrow is permanently raised. :surrender:
She needs A LOT of help. More than she has been getting. We are meeting with their case worker, case manager, therapists & GAL today. This is the FIRST time in the 3 years since they were removed from their parents that "the team" has had a meeting like this. WTF? Should be interesting, glad my DH can go with me.
DD14 is being so good with them. I am just shocked. I thought she'd be having fits by now after being "the baby" for 14 years, but she's hanging in there. I think she's just happy she finally has someone to boss around, rather than being bossed around by her older sisters. :lol:
This is way more difficult that I thought it would be. I kind of thought we'd lay it out there for the girl & she would "get it." She doesn't "get it." She knows full well that her lying caused the last disruption. She'd better get it together, because I am relentless. :snicker:
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I'll say it again...you are amazing!!!
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you know I think that as tough as this is some days for you, I believe you are exactly what they need. Esp the girl. being consistent and relentless are what they need. they have had no stability in their lives and they need it. Keep doing what you are doing and things will get better. they are going to test you and push every button to drive you away because that is what they have learned. Keep up the great job and know someday they will thank you for being the one to finally step up and be their mom. You really should journal this adventure with them to look back at progress and have something to show them how far they have come.
Well we've survived another month since my last update. Survived, barely. They've been here for almost 8 weeks. Some things are better, some things are no change. The boy is really good. He's such a sweet, nice, funny, helpful kid. He's REALLY great. Even though he poops in his pants occasionally (and he hasn't for 16 days) that's really the only thing he does that drives me insane. (And he wrote "sax" on the wall, which he pronounced "sex," but all in all he's done like 4 things in 8 weeks that have caused me to raise an eyebrow, so that is pretty good. Fortunately the writing is small & on his bedroom wall & not scrawled in Shaprie in my living room.) He says or does something multiple times a day that cracks us up.
The girl is another story. I just don't know what her deal is! It is *rare* to have a good day with her. She is SO stressful. They lying is out of control & constant. Ex.: "Is the movie over?" Yes. Ok, really, because it's still playing? And then on the opposite end, since lying about stupid **** like a show being over is somewhat tolerable, she lies CONSTANTLY trying to get him in trouble & now she's trying to get DD14 in trouble, which DD14 is not taking very well. I just don't believe a word she says, which is a problem for me because I need to be able to trust her if I'm going to be able to help her and also because "trust but verify" is freaking exhausting when it is all day, every day.
She exhibits some overly sexualized behaviors, too, which I can't get into or answer questions about, but it's a problem. :gah:
I just don't know. Their caseworker visited yesterday & asked about adoption again. They just got here! It has taken me longer to buy a house for christ's sake! We have court in February & I am not going to be able to tell the judge yes or no at that point, I'm just not. I am so worried about the girl long term. I'm worried she is ruining him. I used to be appalled when I would read the bios of kids online & get to the part that says, "Joey has older siblings that he would like to remain in contact with...." and think WHY would they EVER separate siblings?! But now I know why, because you can't save them all. But I'm not going to ask them to do that or suggest it or hint at it because I am not going to cause that divide and live with that guilt.
SO...this is interesting, that is for sure. I've been to 4 Target's since Sunday & cannot remember to buy half the **** on my list because I'm a tad preoccupied. :lol: I feel like I am really getting my hopes up that the new therapists (waiting for a call back from them with a status update on when they might start going there) will work wonders with the girl, but I think I am beginning to think I am being my usual delusional Pollyanna self. We'll see how it goes!
I am anxiously awaiting my attic bedroom conversion project. We're supposedly starting this weekend. This will be a huge improvement. Originally it was going to be a bedroom for the 3 oldest girls to use when they are here (rarely at the same time anymore) but now DD14 is going to go up there because she really needs a place to get away from the girl. This is harder on DD14 than I thought it would be. Once that's done, we can split the new kids up into their own rooms & hopefully it will be easier when everyone has their own space. Then I can stop fretting about the girl terrorizing the boy at night, too. :surrender: She likes to scare him.
DH is sending me our insurance info so I can find a therapist. :giveup:
They've been here for almost 8 weeks. Some things are better, some things are no change. The boy is really good. He's such a sweet, nice, funny, helpful kid. He's REALLY great. Even though he poops in his pants occasionally (and he hasn't for 16 days) that's really the only thing he does that drives me insane. (And he wrote "sax" on the wall, which he pronounced "sex," but all in all he's done like 4 things in 8 weeks that have caused me to raise an eyebrow, so that is pretty good. Fortunately the writing is small & on his bedroom wall & not scrawled in Shaprie in my living room.) He says or does something multiple times a day that cracks us up.The girl is another story. I just don't know what her deal is! It is *rare* to have a good day with her. She is SO stressful. They lying is out of control & constant. Ex.: "Is the movie over?" Yes. Ok, really, because it's still playing? And then on the opposite end, since lying about stupid **** like a show being over is somewhat tolerable, she lies CONSTANTLY trying to get him in trouble & now she's trying to get DD14 in trouble, which DD14 is not taking very well. I just don't believe a word she says, which is a problem for me because I need to be able to trust her if I'm going to be able to help her and also because "trust but verify" is freaking exhausting when it is all day, every day.
She exhibits some overly sexualized behaviors, too, which I can't get into or answer questions about, but it's a problem. :gah:
I just don't know. Their caseworker visited yesterday & asked about adoption again. They just got here! It has taken me longer to buy a house for christ's sake! We have court in February & I am not going to be able to tell the judge yes or no at that point, I'm just not. I am so worried about the girl long term. I'm worried she is ruining him. I used to be appalled when I would read the bios of kids online & get to the part that says, "Joey has older siblings that he would like to remain in contact with...." and think WHY would they EVER separate siblings?! But now I know why, because you can't save them all. But I'm not going to ask them to do that or suggest it or hint at it because I am not going to cause that divide and live with that guilt.
SO...this is interesting, that is for sure. I've been to 4 Target's since Sunday & cannot remember to buy half the **** on my list because I'm a tad preoccupied. :lol: I feel like I am really getting my hopes up that the new therapists (waiting for a call back from them with a status update on when they might start going there) will work wonders with the girl, but I think I am beginning to think I am being my usual delusional Pollyanna self. We'll see how it goes!
I am anxiously awaiting my attic bedroom conversion project. We're supposedly starting this weekend. This will be a huge improvement. Originally it was going to be a bedroom for the 3 oldest girls to use when they are here (rarely at the same time anymore) but now DD14 is going to go up there because she really needs a place to get away from the girl. This is harder on DD14 than I thought it would be. Once that's done, we can split the new kids up into their own rooms & hopefully it will be easier when everyone has their own space. Then I can stop fretting about the girl terrorizing the boy at night, too. :surrender: She likes to scare him.
DH is sending me our insurance info so I can find a therapist. :giveup:
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It sound so much like she wants attention and when she lies and does thing wrong that is when she gets the most attention ie. you reacting.
With the movie lying about the movie being over. If she was the only one watching I would say "Okay, time to turn it off. Now you can help me do X.
Also with the difficulty spelling how is their reading and phonix. If you cant read and dont understand word sounds spelling is hard. I had one with boardline dyslexia and spelling was always a challenge. Got the teacher to agree to only learning half the words each week.
Same with math. Use things around the house to teach math in the real world especially with baking and cooking in the kitchen. Some kids learn differently.
The other thing is to try to do some one on one with each child. Again this may be hard.
You are a strong women for doing this.
With the movie lying about the movie being over. If she was the only one watching I would say "Okay, time to turn it off. Now you can help me do X.
Also with the difficulty spelling how is their reading and phonix. If you cant read and dont understand word sounds spelling is hard. I had one with boardline dyslexia and spelling was always a challenge. Got the teacher to agree to only learning half the words each week.
Same with math. Use things around the house to teach math in the real world especially with baking and cooking in the kitchen. Some kids learn differently.
The other thing is to try to do some one on one with each child. Again this may be hard.
You are a strong women for doing this.
Dragonfly - I still think your little hussy needs a good dose of "I get your game, Missy, you are taking up TOO much of my time with your BS and I am telling you it's stopping NOW."
Once you detach from it, she will get better. You HAVE to be able to detach. I hope the therapist can help you with it.
Now that the pep talk's over, can you go to lunch Friday? Patio? I'll buy! Cheaper than therapy! :lol:
Once you detach from it, she will get better. You HAVE to be able to detach. I hope the therapist can help you with it.
Now that the pep talk's over, can you go to lunch Friday? Patio? I'll buy! Cheaper than therapy! :lol:
:lol: Thanks, Kathy. She KNOWS I have her number. This morning she was refusing to eat breakfast because she didn't "like it." I said to her, "You're going to eat. You can eat it now or you can eat it after school, but you're eating it. For one thing, it is EXACTLY the breakfast (former mom) used to make you that you loved. For another thing, you aren't going to the nurses office and telling her that I didn't feed you because I've heard all about that, too."
Wide eyed stare from her, breakfast consumed.
Triumph! She has never refused food before. I thought to myself, "no way in hell are we starting this ****, on top of all your other ****, sweet pea." :angrywife:
Friday would be good. I'll PM you. I should treat YOU. :dunce:
Wide eyed stare from her, breakfast consumed.
Triumph!
She has never refused food before. I thought to myself, "no way in hell are we starting this ****, on top of all your other ****, sweet pea." :angrywife:Friday would be good.
I'll PM you. I should treat YOU. :dunce:- Messages
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You are awesome! I hope the new therapist gets you involved and gets some behavioral therapy in place, or finds something else more appropriate for her, but again you are AWESOME!
Now, did someone say lunch....
Now, did someone say lunch....
:lol: Thanks, Kathy. She KNOWS I have her number. This morning she was refusing to eat breakfast because she didn't "like it." I said to her, "You're going to eat. You can eat it now or you can eat it after school, but you're eating it. For one thing, it is EXACTLY the breakfast (former mom) used to make you that you loved. For another thing, you aren't going to the nurses office and telling her that I didn't feed you because I've heard all about that, too."
Wide eyed stare from her, breakfast consumed.
Triumph!
Friday would be good.
If you didn't already have a tagline... :giggles:
Well SON OF A ****! I just had the longest ranting update ever & it logged me out & erased what I had.
:gah:
Now it'll have to be the nutshell version:
I don't think this is going well.
I think I am failing Foster Parenting 101.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Up until yesterday, I thought I was at least making progress with the boy. Now I am slowly accepting that he has his own major issues. And for as much as I am having a hard time attaching to the girl, I think the boy's issues are just as significant.
I feel like my tolerance level is at an all time low, like I am this >< close to saying, ":gah: Done!" I seriously hope I snap out of this quickly. I feel like the longer they are here, the more it's starting to look like they aren't "fixable." And I am trying to figure out if "good enough" is doable for me. For someone who says "it is what it is" as often as I do, I am having a really hard time with the "what it is" part of this. Like I was ok with giving up on the spelling homework because they will learn how to spell & if they don't, well there is auto correct. Spelling is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. (And I am a speller, so this was a sizable concession for me to make. :lol: ) But is a lifetime of petty theft ok? Is that good enough? No. No, I don't think so. Is a lifetime of inappropriate sexual behavior good enough? Well, no, it isn't. I feel like we take 3 steps forward & ten steps back and in the end we will be 100 steps ahead of where we started, but 1000 steps from where we need to be. Or from where I need them to be, I guess.
This is like a constant battle of wills. How can two short people be wearing me down like this? They are kicking my ****. I am trying to give them & their issues "this much ___________________________________________________________ space" in my head & in my life, but it is creeping into every facet of my life. Like I don't understand how my DH can watch TV and laugh at a show when I am like, "Haha....funny.....****! What are we going to do with her?!" in my head.
It's very hard to reach children who don't care about anything. Nothing motivates them to behave. Rewards, punishments....you get a blank stare. It took the girl ELEVEN weeks of school to get her fake hair headband reward thing. ELEVEN WEEKS before she had a good week. Week ten she said, "Well, maybe I'll get it next week...." Yeah, maybe...it makes me want to scream "JESUS! GET IT TOGETHER! THIS IS NOT HARD!!!" And instead I'm like, " Yup! Maybe next week! I sure hope so! That is some pretty awesome fake hair! You keep trying, DD! :bliss:"
New therapist tonight. Hopes are high. We shall see. I hope the bus is late. :hides:
:gah:
Now it'll have to be the nutshell version:
I don't think this is going well.
I think I am failing Foster Parenting 101.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Up until yesterday, I thought I was at least making progress with the boy. Now I am slowly accepting that he has his own major issues. And for as much as I am having a hard time attaching to the girl, I think the boy's issues are just as significant.
I feel like my tolerance level is at an all time low, like I am this >< close to saying, ":gah: Done!" I seriously hope I snap out of this quickly. I feel like the longer they are here, the more it's starting to look like they aren't "fixable." And I am trying to figure out if "good enough" is doable for me. For someone who says "it is what it is" as often as I do, I am having a really hard time with the "what it is" part of this. Like I was ok with giving up on the spelling homework because they will learn how to spell & if they don't, well there is auto correct. Spelling is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. (And I am a speller, so this was a sizable concession for me to make. :lol: ) But is a lifetime of petty theft ok? Is that good enough? No. No, I don't think so. Is a lifetime of inappropriate sexual behavior good enough? Well, no, it isn't. I feel like we take 3 steps forward & ten steps back and in the end we will be 100 steps ahead of where we started, but 1000 steps from where we need to be. Or from where I need them to be, I guess.
This is like a constant battle of wills. How can two short people be wearing me down like this? They are kicking my ****. I am trying to give them & their issues "this much ___________________________________________________________ space" in my head & in my life, but it is creeping into every facet of my life. Like I don't understand how my DH can watch TV and laugh at a show when I am like, "Haha....funny.....****! What are we going to do with her?!" in my head.
It's very hard to reach children who don't care about anything. Nothing motivates them to behave. Rewards, punishments....you get a blank stare. It took the girl ELEVEN weeks of school to get her fake hair headband reward thing. ELEVEN WEEKS before she had a good week. Week ten she said, "Well, maybe I'll get it next week...." Yeah, maybe...it makes me want to scream "JESUS! GET IT TOGETHER! THIS IS NOT HARD!!!" And instead I'm like, "
Yup! Maybe next week! I sure hope so! That is some pretty awesome fake hair! You keep trying, DD! :bliss:" New therapist tonight. Hopes are high. We shall see. I hope the bus is late. :hides:
Dragonfly, you should also be talking to a therapist someone.
I can tell you from my own experience that Big still kicks my **** some days, and it took 3 years for the littles not to cry for their mom at night. And Middle still lies when it makes no sense, and has been known to steal things. Big fails classes on purpose (even though he is a genius). He overeats on purpose.
Any measurable progress takes years. And they may never be "fine." Their best may simply be "not criminals" or "not dangerous" or "not dead." Is very hard to raise abused or displaced children with no frame of reference to start from. Think of it on a glacial scale
You are doing great so far! But get a professional someone to talk to!
I can tell you from my own experience that Big still kicks my **** some days, and it took 3 years for the littles not to cry for their mom at night. And Middle still lies when it makes no sense, and has been known to steal things. Big fails classes on purpose (even though he is a genius). He overeats on purpose.
Any measurable progress takes years. And they may never be "fine." Their best may simply be "not criminals" or "not dangerous" or "not dead." Is very hard to raise abused or displaced children with no frame of reference to start from. Think of it on a glacial scale
You are doing great so far! But get a professional someone to talk to!
and I also want to say I really admire you and your commitment thus far -when my kids were small I always thought I wanted to do exactly what you are doing, to give some "older " kids a chance-
I really admire you and your commitment thus far -when my kids were small I always thought I wanted to do exactly what you are doing, to give some "older " kids a chance-
